Jamaican Jokes

Rastaman Divorce Hearing

A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, “Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in the matter?” The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it, ‘I and I’ or the machine’s?


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Jamaican Version of the 23 Psalms

The Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt’n.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.

Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun’ mi.

Ah Him ah remine mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teet.

Ah Him ah remine mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.

Ah Him ah ‘top mi from mad a daytime, an’ ah guide mi decision dem so mi can honor Him inna hev’ryting.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, an’ tun’ all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy, so mi no haffi go ah prison an’ live ‘mongst ah bag ah battyman or get heng.

Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behine mi back, some big heediat fi supervisor, an’ ah howl body dat kyaan’ mek it a morning time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!

Him presence, Him peace, an’ Him power ah go si mi through.

Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hard working self, though mi have three set a degree an’ diploma.

Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi an’ me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an’ bun di whole place ah grung.

Fi Him faithfulness an’ love betta dan any bonus check, but yu si mi, a check woulda help out some time.

Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha ‘appen out yah tiday: Suhmaddy bettah run to hell!

When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time.

So Tank Yuh Lord